If you know me personally, then you’ve probably noticed that I date like it’s still 1997. I go out places, hope I run into someone, and if I do, we go on dates. If we make it further than a third date, then there’s a high chance that I’m going to commit to him. If we struggle through two dates, then we go our separate ways.

Unfortunately, this way of dating hasn’t been used since probably 2012. And I can’t seem to keep up with the modern dating world. But the problem isn’t me struggling to keep up, because that would simply be a personal problem, not an issue with modern dating. The problem here is that modern dating has enabled us to either cycle through everyone in the city until we find one good enough to date, or to confuse talking to someone on a dating site for a week with a committed relationship. So how are these issues?

When we cycle through every person in the city, it’s because we’re looking for someone to fill a role in our lives that we refuse to fill on our own. Our need to fill that role causes us to date every Tom, Dick and Kevin in the city until we find one decent enough to call our boyfriend. When we do this, we miss out on opportunities for personal growth and development. But since most people aren’t interested in personal growth or development, the other downside is that even though you find that stray, that relationship is going to end in about three months. It’s going to end because you’re not looking for a partner to share your life with, you’re looking for someone to make you feel pretty. You want someone to need you and to validate you. You want attention and that need is so intense that you’re willing to settle for whoever is going to make you feel desired. 

Then after you and this “perfect person” break up, you realize that you’re back at square one. Now you have to cycle through every guy in the city again to see if you can find another stray. So really, the negative here is that you’re generating a dating loop for yourself that you may get stuck in for the remainder of this lifetime. You know, unless you want to actually try and grow as a person. 

The other downside is thinking that you’re committed to someone that you’ve been talking to for a week on a dating app. Several people prematurely commit and not only does it take away from the spontaneity of life, but it also forces you to miss out on other opportunities in the real world. For instance, say you’re out at a bar and you see a gorgeous woman. You think she’s beautiful and she’s tossing you the eyes too. But, you remember that you’ve been talking to Jessica on Tinder for the last week and now you have a commitment to her, preventing you from talking to this woman at the bar. A week goes by and Jessica found some other guy to talk to, leaving you in the dust. Now you don’t have Jessica and you may never see that woman at the bar again, and all because you didn’t want to “cheat” on a girl you just met over a dating app.

This need for external validation is incredibly harmful. You will never find what you’re looking for because that love and care can only be given to you from you first. You can find someone to fix your problems, but that’s generally the only purpose they serve in your life. You can find someone to tell you you’re pretty, but odds are they’re only saying that to have sex with you. You can endlessly search for someone to tell you who you should be because you’ve never spent enough time alone to understand yourself, but then you will always be miserable and judgmental. 

A relationship does not make you more desirable in the eyes of society. Having a boyfriend doesn’t mean that you’re successful or pretty. Having a girlfriend doesn’t lead to endless happiness.

I’m not saying don’t date. I’m saying date for the right reasons. However, our modern dating practices don’t promote dating for the right reasons, but dating for immediate fulfillment.

Create a life that you’re proud to call your own. Then, when you’re ready, the perfect person for you will come into your life. And you won’t be trying to fix each other. Instead, you will want to build a life with them. Two individuals who come together to build a life together have far more fulfilling relationships than two people who can’t live without attention and validation from one another. You will always seek validation and attention and it will never be enough because you don’t know how to love yourself.

And yes, I’m still single. But I’m happy and proud of who I am. I have a career I enjoy, a house that I love and two beautiful cats to call my own. I don’t endlessly date because I’m not looking for a guy to tell me I’m pretty or to fix my problems. I’m single because I’m looking for someone who also has a life that they’re proud of so we can combine forces and have an incredible partnership together. And those people are hard to find since clearly the common practice is to date like it’s going out of style. 

Look, I understand not wanting to listen to a perpetually single person, but maybe it’s a perspective you can use. Or you know, keep endlessly dating and committing to anyone willing to be with you. Marry and divorce fifty times by the time your forty because this modern dating thing is clearly a process that works.